The angel at a gas station

the other day I saw a gas station had closed

Yet years ago it was where I pulled over when I needed somewhere to go.

I had left Motel 6 and was trying to gain my bearings, yet no less than 2 miles from my familiars I began to fear paralyzed in fear.

If you have always ever only driven in your familiars when you peck out of them things become mentally blurry.

I had had experiences driving across country and yet, because this moment my permanent housing was in question it was a battle with fear every single footstep.

I saw the gas station and pulled over to fill up.

It was my intention to get gas but right there looking all around I was so deeply aware I needed to refuel my thought.

I pulled to a gas pump and got out of my car and looked up to the sky and wiped away some of the then flowing tears.

Where will I go next

How long would I be able to kee my room

What would happen when Motel 6 was solidly booked in September though they’d said I could stay til then as long as I paid and could.

All these questions flooded my thinking

So while gassing up I was literally refueling my being.

“Pilgrim on earth, thy home is heaven. Stranger thou art the guest of God.”…what came to me…

A favorite line in a beloved text* teaching me how to claim and accept and live my spirituality.

A few moments passed and I calmed down

and a woman came over who asked what was wrong…

She didn’t speak much English

but knew how to love.

I shared with her as best I was able

I needed groceries but didn’t know how to find the nearest market.

(Yes one can use a map and back then I did have a cell phone, yet when Thought is bombarded with fear ones thinking becomes what’s navigable and manageable).

She motioned for me to follow her and drove all the way to a Stop n shop.

It was moments like that

I felt so cared for

and I was able to bulldoze fear of lost and alone even more.

Here was an angel of support who led me where I needed.

Proving to me yet again we each dwell in now heaven of thought harmony.

*Science and Health,

by Mary Baker Eddy

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Do you have an end room please?

10 years ago this August I would move into an end room third floor at Motel 6 (Framingham MA) as my then now nest… it wasn’t the first time I would base out of a motel… but this time it felt really resolving to press on… that building is still standing and yet all surrounds have modernized quite a bit as the area keeps expanding… but from that sacred (to me)room using a cooler as my fridge and keeping a committed schedule to my writing and metaphysical healing work and walking my dog and other little ways of measuring productive that I did, I overcame so much fear of the morrow and I learned how healing it is to focus on this moment right infront of us…I showed up on my blog daily as if to clock in on my time card 🙂 I blogged my heart out there and on Facebook resolving no matter what I would press on… I had big dreams and huge vision and was determined to keep trying… (some things never change) sometimes the what we see possible makes sense even if we get stuck in the footstepping and often feel empty and lost from the constant trying… but I would learn there even more deeply that we are never alone, we are always at one with Love and we can always feel held no matter who we know or if like me then no one really knows what you’re doing or where you’re residing. ~~~This is a post of HOPE and promise for who all who know they can’t give up but have to go off and face what they must or those who finally break free or are forced to move from where living…

Know that you can’t run from thought but must face it and face down fear and right there you’ll find Love…emptiness is merely a belief there’s nothing there when you face thought. Not true! When you face thought you find a deeper greater power than you there and the only things standing in the way are the beliefs that show up as fear…

Sharing HERstory: pondering the infinite on a 1997 cross country road trip

   This is one of several stories of a healing journey that I am currently outpouring via spontaneous poeming. I don’t know how I am able to do this yet…I have kept a lot quiet perhaps and want to show evidence….and what happens when you thought by thought refute that you’re ever alone and strive through leaning on divine Love to prove the powerlessness and unreality of all limits that are so mortal….and everything about my convictions I owe to the ideas of a great book Science and Health…and these days I help folks bulldoze fear and overcome their own right now limits. While I hope these poems assemble one day as a book, I’ve never been really good at striving for a definitive outcome….for there is always the right now and all you’re able to manage…and so as the poems come i am finally trusting it’s okay to share them…What you must know is that its very hard…to relive or retell stories from what seems a life ago by far….yet…I’m so committed to helping any girl or boy feel her or his worth and understand that she or he is never ever alone and so deeply loved no matter what has happened. Thank you ever so much for being here and reading…and if you wish to share this journey more completely please feel welcome to subscribe here or follow sharingherstory.wordpress.com.  Much love to you, Tre ~It was a full moon like this… and a night in 1997 late August…I had had this dream to go west from Florida to CaliProbably ever since Richie and Potzie and the Fonz and Joni of Happy Days did that beach summer sceneVisiting The Pacific Ocean seems as good as anya destination to clear my headyIt didn’t matter to me all the states in betweenI set my sights on the end goal and the in between seemed so deeply easyI loved drivingI loved tunesI loved to thinkAnd I had much to think throughWe didn’t have cell phonesWe only had beepersAnd there were spots all over the countryWhere you were out of range from everybodyBut I never felt alone once on that driveAnd it’s not because of stopping to call home at pay phones how many timesAnd it’s not because I would strike up meaningful conversations with folks on the road (though I always did mile after mile)…It was because I knew how to practice–in thought– the difference between soaking up the radio broadcast or friends and loved one’s opinions versus how to tune into spiritually listening…I pondered the big questions on that drive west–The eastern states found me forgiving myself for chasing a love that wouldn’t ever lastand for feeling like a failure when a i was told I wasn’t good enough for a cherished work position I strived for…But by the time I got to the open plainsand then the Grand Canyon area and beyondMy thoughts began tuning into what is infinite Mind?And what does it mean that man is an idea of God?And what does it mean to consider Spirit is real and matter is not?And before I had answers to my questions…I would need gasAnd I would stop and see the people that I may not ever see again…and that made me really begin to cherish the now connecting…See I never ever lost that spirit of valuing livesBecause I had been pontificating what is the essence and substance of all mankindAnd whether the language and skin color and culture differed from mine… I was embracing a truth in anyone I saw and I would continue to do this ever since mile after mileAnd it’s all kinda coming back to thought for me of lateBecause there’s never been a time like now when anywhere online you look the main headlines are spewing so much fear and hateAnd I keep wanting to give this view to every one who readsThere are deeper questions we can be dwelling on andwhat’s good of each one is what’s true for humanity Oh I wonder often how to edit the headlines all are taking inHow to make video games more about helping the world and restoring water and the earth and less aggressive and violentAnd I wonder deeply about how the victories can be found amidst the stories of hardship and painAnd I wonder about how to encourage anyone to edit his or her view of her or his lifeand find how Love protected and steered and to count those ways …And I wonder about a lotAbout what I probably can’t change or impact too muchBut the truth I wish to live better and defend forever is that we are each one with LoveAnd this means we are never alone and never a victim…And I defend this truth to ones I adore who represent so many hundreds more…Whether he just walked out…Whether the now shelter wants to kick you out…Whether you’re living in your car not by choiceWhether you’re wondering how to find the next job or clientWhether you’re standing in the EBT line wishing you had not quit that job the last timeWhether you just tossed all the liquor and said no moreWhether you stared in the mirror again and said for the thousandth time “we start anew today” no lieWhether you are plotting how to leaveWhether you just learned your bank account is overdrawnWhether you don’t know how to tell anyone about the abuse…Whether you are tired of being treated like a muse…But it is not enough to just say this truth and give it lipserviceYou have to act on it and thats what that road trip– in ways– didn’t ever really accomplish…I mean, yes I saw great sites and for s time settled west in CaliforniaBut I had to stop driving and dig in and become employed and I opted to become a teacher before I ever felt all my pondering were being of service(and that is a precious story I promise to share about overcoming everyone’s limits and telling me I wouldn’t ever be hired out there….I walked into about 10 different districts and had to pay for separate fingerprints in all of them….and little by little I was called by everyone of them and offered more opportunities to sub teach each day then I could ever manage…and slowly that would lead to going back to school at night and for almost three years getting my teaching credential and then 3 masters in education alright–which I never finished and yet there’s a beautiful why behind …and that’s a story I will save for another time…)…~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Why say this now Well it’s not to shun a roadripGoodness knows it a fave way to journey of mine and I hope to do many more of emBut I’ve been of late so aware people keep wanting something out thereMore thisBetter thatAn opportunity to come to themLike they’re entitled or it’s to be expected….And this may sound harshAnd maybe too abruptBut nothing is out thereAnd it doesn’t come to youYou simply MUST follow your heart and do the legwork and while so doing BE LOVEAnd this isn’t passiveIt demands you riseAnd roll up your sleevesand do the things you mustbut with a “seek the good” striveThe toughest lesson I’ve had to learn is the truth that you can’t sit and waitThere is not an out there prince or an out there some distant someday…There’s not a reward for all the ways you followed the rulesThere’s not a well done you angel girl for all the ways you’ve been good.Not external anywayThe reward is getting to know yourself more deeply and striving to even moreso boot down fear along the way.There’s this moment and you’re already whole and complete So it’s deep love for your precious you and mankindthat you can trust…and if you’re nudged in a direction, then act on itAnd of you think no one’s calling methen maybe it’s a moment to go spend time with folk who don’t have cell phones and /or laptops and aren’t techieAnd if you think no ones responding to my online resumeThen maybe it’s time to go out of your comfort zone of the computer and do walk ins and meet folks in personAnd if you’re feeling alone and sorry for yourself then maybe it’s time to go make a new friend and do something for him or her and get out of the land of selfWhat I’m suggesting doesn’t shun what you are feelingBut my heart to yoursWe have to watch the pull of entitlementbecause it would love to swallow up our heart to heart genuine …So if you’re still here and reading this spontaneous outpoured with my left thumb and right point on my iPhone  poemMy heart to yoursI’m sharing some of the core things I’ve learned and am knowingThere is good in everyoneThere’s a story right where you areThere’s a someone who would’ve so comforted by a complimentThere’s a strength to slowing down and doing something new you haven’t thought ofThere’s a freedom that comes when you own accountabilityAnd there’s an empowerment when you stop blaming your past, the former relationships, your upbringing, …anybodyI preferred the driving in ways to the full time sub teachingand night schoolgetting my credentialand working on three Ed masters (I loved options!)It was hard to teach all dayand then drive the 90 minute each way commute to class and go listen to lecturesBut when I finally was given opportunities to work with kidsAll those hours of pondering the infinite began to make so much senseFor I was bombarded with differences both learning styles and culturesAnd parents has as different ways of rearing children as did anyone…Some dads had professional office jobsA few dads owned restaurants and one even a strip clubA couple of moms were stay at homeMost of them worked too and were doing all they could for a second incomeTo send home mounds of homework devastated the familiesSo since the students had to stay after school anyway I started an after school homework club because I cared…And later a learning center for those the majority wanted to not teachI wouldn’t give up on any child and there was so much healing…So I needed that lens of seeing the goodAnd I needed the patience that would listen t the parents ask for less homeworkAnd I needed the humility when I was criticized for never going to the staff rom for lunch (I was figuring out ways to reach my student better and I didn’t wanna sit around and gossip )And I needed forgiveness when I was let go from my first year (the year I tried to teach fourth grade while also being a full time at night grad student)And I needed a lot of trust that somehow all of this journey made sense while I tried to dwell in another state (California) where I didn’t known anyone really when I drove there …So I should probably land this plane of going on and onExcept to you friend of you read this:You’re allowed to follow your heart and seek out the good and ponder the infinite and take cross country drives as much as you wantbut it will eventually always all come back to what are you allowing in thoughtWhat’s your view of you and The Who is across from youAnd your boss and spouse and doggieAnd can you strive to see their good too?The more you try the more you defend it’s there the more you will be healed of angst and doubt and fearAnd with that I’m gonna trust this poem made sense and I’m gonna go stare at that full moon and hope with all my heart it did.And I may ponder the infinite some more too.My heart to yours, Tre And if this is the only time we connect, I’ll share a quote I strive to live by…”Jesus beheld in Science the perfect man, who appeared to him where sinning mortal man appears to mortals. In this perfect man the Savior saw God’s own likeness, and this correct view of man healed the sick. Thus Jesus taught that the kingdom of God is intact, universal, and that man is pure and holy.”  (Science and Health, p. 476:31) xoxoxo. #myheart2yours #spontaneoues_poeming #leftthumb#rightpointer #humanityisfamily#roadtrips#theinfinite

Sharing HERstory: when saying no results “we’re letting you go”

This is one of several stories of a healing journey that I am currently outpouring via spontaneous poeming. I don’t know how I am able to do this yet…I have kept a lot quiet perhaps and want to show evidence….and what happens when you thought by thought refute that you’re ever alone and strive through leaning on divine Love to prove the powerlessness and unreality of all limits that are so mortal….and everything about my convictions I owe to the ideas of a great book Science and Health…and these days I help folks bulldoze fear and overcome their own right now limits. While I hope these poems assemble one day as a book, I’ve never been really good at striving for a definitive outcome….for there is always the right now and all you’re able to manage…and so as the poems come i am finally trusting it’s okay to share them…What you must know is that its very hard…to relive or retell stories from what seems a life ago by far….yet…I’m so committed to helping any girl or boy feel her or his worth and understand that she or he is never ever alone and so deeply loved no matter what has happened. Thank you ever so much for being here and reading…and if you wish to share this journey more completely please feel welcome to subscribe here or follow sharingherstory.wordpress.com. Much love to you, Tre ~It was 1996… and the bar opened a lunch service… I’d already been working double shifts …at a new joint off an Austin famous street called 6th… the only server who didn’t drink, I could hold /serve about 12 pints without a blink… and it was a brewery that was new and the owner thought they were everyone’s “dude.”

There was a party one night thrown by an owner after our shifts.. We were to go and do whatever they all did… I showed up thinking it was expected of me… but the other servers hit me with “it’s your turn… he’s already had his way with we”. …I was panicked and it was before mobiles but I had a beeper and paged a friend.

I faked being sick and left that scene… and walked a few hours on my own that midnight eve.

And while walking I knew I was giving up the job… the next day at 4pm confirmed my lot.

If you didn’t perform you weren’t let on… yet I was very ready to sing a new song.

Sometimes we do the work we must to pay the bills and heal broken hearts.

I’ll never regret leaving that scene and it was probably favorite of a few of my firings.

Never believe for a second any let go is an end.

You’re being lifted up into where you can better bless, I promise you friend.

~~~

When they say “we need to let you go” divine Love is saying “I am promoting your growth”

…Being fired is hard for us all… but it’s really an avenue opening up for us to walk…. each seeming “end” is always an opening…I promise you friend.

“Innocence and truth overcome guilt and error.” ~ Mary Baker Eddy

Two things I would like to emphasize…

1) I took the job intentionally to stay active and so instant busy…

I had been told several months earlier “we are gonna be just friends “ by someone I loved deeply and it hurt so much, the best I could do was run away several states away to a town where I knew no one …

i found the job and a sublet same day and I worked double shifts because I thought I would not think— >

I was wrong.

We are always thinking.

Yet I knew how to manage moments and shift what I was thinking from dwelling on all day/ night “he dumped me” to all night “I am worthy”…

and whether wiping down tables full of spilled beer, or cleaning bathroom stalls which is hard because you slip and it’s just weird,

or serving dozens of pints and hearing the comments, I was —in my thinking —reclaiming my worth and my true identity…

2. There was zero headsup of what I would face at the party… and this was long before apps with Lyft or Uber.

But I didn’t feel alone as I left that night.

I was praying. And I knew my morales wouldn’t ever have to be comprised if the job was right. Period. I walked what seems all night.

But that was a pivotal moment for me… one of leaning on convictins utterly and completely…(what would be several hundreds more occasions of learning we are never alone and always at-one…)

 

My heart to yours, Tre ~

#myheart2yours #spontaneous_poeming #perspective #jobsecurity #work #safety #growth #austin #6thstreet

What’s right infront of us?

Sometimes the pull to think broadly out there

Makes us disregard what’s right in front of us in our now here

Sometimes the desire for this and that to happen

Makes us overlook the details of our right now day and each choice (which all matter)

Sometimes the pull to operate at an app pace

Makes us answer another quickly or not give our full attention to ourselves or another in some way

The ever ongoing demand to think broadly and to be genuine and authentic with all we interact with

And also attend to the details of the moment right here

Can make this thinkHER feel she’s never caught up and always leaving something or someone neglected for sure

So what helps me heal this onslaught of “nothing is enough” is to be deeply incredibly honest with my heart and thought

I cannot be physically all the where’s I wish to be…

I also cannot create overnight what I want everyone to have to read…

I can’t adopt every child and offer shelter to everyone who needs a bed…

I can however pray hourly that everyone everywhere is finding the comfort she and he needs to thrive and to feel belonging and of vital significance…

I can with conviction know in my heart that the Father Mother Love neglects no one, anywhere near and far…

I can defend over and over that right motives and actions are finding their fullest expression and nothing can make anyone limit him or herself and stay content with neglecting all they are

And I can demand of myself that I stop hiding behind what’s doable and comfortable and easy and productive … and keep doing what IV ebeen doing to show up and function….

We must each expand

We must each grow

We are in fact of spiritual substance which doesn’t need to conform

We must allow

We must bud anew

No child is meant to stay limited

No adult child should ever become complacent and want to

What that means and looks like for each of us only each of us knows

Here’s to allowing ourselves expand and allow the thoughts of what and where we never thought we would be able to go….

My heart to yours…

Tre ~

The boots

A pair of boots that looked hippy enough “maybe he’ll think I look cool” so I hoped

They were cool I totally digged the boots but there was this guy I liked and I thought he may dig me if I appear cool. (Note to reader: a big pattern with my womanhood that I am still healing is “appearing”… fine beautiful courageous whatever… I don’t and you don’t need to appear. We can know of our spirituality which is whole and complete and we can take a step and another each moment prove able to overcome fear… but no one no matter how they appear isn’t resolving something in thought and as you know this you will see no need to seem or appear and won’t project facade )

We shared a lot of wonderful good but there were a few occasions I would adore deleting from memory tis true

I know I will always love him forever

The good of anyone is what attracts us to begin with

When thought wanders back to what happened that was so deeply hard what helped me heal a devastated broken heart

Is to look for and demand to see evidences of oneness

And by that I mean: look for ways of protection…of care…of Love loving both of us … Ask: how did Love impel me move on?

Ask: How did Love protect us both throughout

Ask: where is evidence I listened to intuition

Ask: what were other nudged and angel messages?

Ask: How did Love give me strength and courage to walk on

Ask: How did Love show me everything I needed… and then helped me act on them and step by step each ?

This lens?

That filter?

Ohhh if I could build it like instagram I would:):):) As we filter our memory by seeking all the good that happened??? It heals the hurt of rejection

It heals the pain of what self doubt of what was wrong with me then

It lifts thoughtoff the belief being together was the goal

It plants thought on the ground of living oneness as Love is the always opportunity at any moment.

Whether partnered or not none of us are our human relationship status

Always forever we are one with Love and that’s a spiritual fact.

#myheart2yours #sharingherstory #herstory #spontaneous_poeming #leftthumb

#rightpointer “numbfingers 😉#loveisalways #overcomerejection #healbrokenheart

Opening a door…

What does it take 
For you

To brave opening a door

If you’re still staring at its handle

And you’ve been here before?
And if you walked by for years…

hoping with each time to go inside… 

What would it take for you to open the door and enter…

and trust what impels your deep interest will steer you this time?